20 Jan My Road to Mommyhood Part 2
So it’s been awhile since I’ve told the first part of my Road to Mommyhood story, so I figured I’d start with a very abridged recap. During part one of my story you learned that I had one miscarriage, followed by a D&C that resulted in a lot of problems for me. The doctor left retained product in me, and so my body continued gaining weight because it thought I was still pregnant. By the time they figured out what was wrong, I had already gained 20 lbs, had a belly that appeared pregnant, and no baby to show for it. As a result, I needed to have a second D&C. I then got pregnant again, and once again this pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, followed by another D&C. I then decided to try IUIs, but before I could begin the process, my Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) had to perform certain tests to make sure my body was up for it. It turned out that retained pregnancy product was left in me ONCE AGIAIN, and so I had to have my fourth D&C. That’s pretty much part 1 in a MAJOR nutshell lol. Total party, right?
After I recovered from my FOURTH D&C I began prepping my body for an IUI. If you’ve never been through the process you need to prep your body for about a month, and then everything needs to be timed out perfectly for the procedure. To most people a month might not sound like a long time, but for someone on a fertility journey, a month feels like a lifetime.
This process caused me to have to go to my RE’s office quite a bit throughout the week, and I started referring to it as my second job. And in addition to my fertility journey, I was also going to dozens of doctors because they couldn’t figure out why the 20 lbs of excess weight wouldn’t come off. I was working out, eating right, and I still couldn’t enter my closet to put on my clothes because nothing fit. The way I described it to people was that if you dropped me on a deserted island, with no food, and left me there for a year, I still wouldn’t be able to lose a pound. NOTHING worked, and I was left with the opposite of my normal body. This time period was not only so hard for me mentally, but physically I just didn’t feel like myself at all.
So the weekend before my first IUI I went in for bloodwork, because they need to track when you are ovulating down to the second, before the procedure. Everything seemed to being going according to plan, and in the morning I was going to have my first IUI. When I showed up that morning, the nurse who was about to begin the procedure, looked very defeated. She said, “I’m so sorry, but you’ve already ovulated.” I was devastated. I had prepped my body all month leading up to this moment, and now the procedure couldn’t even take place. I didn’t understand. I followed everything that they had told me to do, and was BEYOND proactive about checking in about every last detail. However, it turned out that the nurse, who had drawn my blood the day before was new, and she had forgotten to run the most crucial part of the panel. Because of her error, we had missed our window. I just couldn’t believe I was at square one again.
The devastation from that situation was severe, but I decided to try an IUI again the following month. During this time, my RE also decided he was going to contact the hospital and run panels on my first miscarriage. No microarray testing had been done on it, something I hadn’t even known existed at the time-nor had my obgyn told me about, and we wanted answers on that pregnancy. For those of you who do not know what it is, microarray testing provides you with the information as to why you had a miscarriage.
During that month I had been at work, when I received a call from my doctor’s office. I was working with my supervisor at the time, and she knew all about my situation, and so she didn’t even think twice when she insisted I pick up the phone. The nurse reviewed my results with me, and accidentally let it slip that my first miscarriage had been a girl, before asking me if I wanted to know. In that moment I felt like the world was spinning, and tears started running down my face. My second miscarriage had also been a girl, and so it meant that I had lost not one, but two girls. At this point all I wanted was a healthy baby, but in my heart of hearts, if I’m being truly honest, I had always dreamt of having a girl, and it felt like a kick in the gut. It was like a heartbreak unlike anything I had ever felt before. Yet, like every other day in this journey, I had to power through it to get what I wanted…to be a mom.
At the end of that month, I had my second IUI. Unfortunately, this one was unsuccessful as well. I was becoming so frustrated because I got pregnant every time Steve looked at me, and now with fertility measures, I just wasn’t.
I was becoming so defeated, and the feature of never becoming a mom was very real. Then one night, after speaking with a friend on the phone who had gone through IVF, I decided I was going to go through with it. I had been debating IVF for awhile, and she said something to me, that to this day I can still hear her saying. It probably isn’t even a conversation that she remembers, but it changed my whole world. She said, “Morgan. How much more can you seriously take? If you do IVF you WILL become a mom. Enough is enough. You’ve been through so much. You can handle IVF. Just do it.”
And it was that conversation that changed everything. It was that conversation that led me to Charlie Lou. It was that conversation that ultimately led to me to become a mommy.
STAY TUNED for Part 3